Puff Pastry Pies

So once again, I have decided to write about another little thing that annoys me. Anyone who really knows me knows just how much I despise Puff Pastry Pies.

I'll set the scene.

Adam walks into a pub. The food smells excellent, the atmosphere is pleasant, and the scenery is appealing. He sits at a table and looks at the menu, and notices his favourite dish is written under "Pub Classics"; "Steak & Ale Pie with chips". He cackles with pure excitement, and even lets out a small dosage of urine. 

The waitress takes his order, and Adam goes to the bar to order his extremely rock n' roll drink, a J20 Orange and Passionfruit. He takes his seat once more, taking sips through a red straw.

As if by animal instinct, Adam can sense his food approaching his table. Or maybe he just uses his eyes. But either way, what touches down Adam's table causes his heart to fall onto the plate, which makes the waitress faint, hitting the elderly man in a wheelchair behind her, who rolls out into the road, causing cars to collide. A petrol lorry slides into the carnage and explodes, the shrapnel flying into the air, which hits a plane, which leads it to crash down into the local shopping centre, killing 1000s and ruining shopping sprees for many generations to come.

So what was on Adam's plate that caused such dramatic chaos? 

Correct. A puff pastry pie."

So what do I hate about them? 

Well, firstly, I can see that some people actually enjoy them, but I don't think it should allowed on menus under the name of a "pie". It's not a pie. This is hugely misleading. 

A pie, at least, to me, is the meat in gravy embedded inside pastry. Here is my dictionary definition of it. 

|    Pie; [n]: One's idea of Heaven. Something you don't just eat, but savour whilst eating.

"Please can Adam have that pie?" "Anything for the Master." "Thanks."    |

However, a puff pastry pie clearly is not this. A puff pastry pie is the lovely meat in gravy, but is instead surrounded by a containing device made out of clay. So where is the pastry? Well, it's hard to miss really. 

It's on top of the meat, indecisive as to where to be on the plate, and so decides to awkwardly rest above the contents of the would-be/should-be pie.

So how is this a pie? And more importantly, how do you eat this catastrophe?

I've tried it all. 
1. You can try peeling bits of the pastry off, and dipping it into the meat and gravy. 
2. You can cut it up and put it all into the gravy. 
3. You could try putting your fork straight through the pastry and trying to get to the meat as well, (but you'll find that you can't succeed due to the size of the pastry).
4. You could eat the pastry separate to the gravy.
5. You could hit it with a rock until it goes away.

Here, as you can see, most of the points are trying to get the pastry to interact with the gravy so that you can eat both simultaneously. But if you just had a proper pie, you wouldn't need to make all this effort, as the pastry and meat are already brought out to you interacting, the effort is completely reduced for you, and what you have in front of you is actually what you ordered, a pie.

As for point 4, this is completely pointless. It's like eating a stew but with a side of "big clump of pastry". 

My point here is that puff pastry pies are trying to be a pie, a stew, or just a pastry based dish, but as I've shown to you, the pastry is just thrown on top of the meat. It's like if I made toast for you in the morning, and threw a piece of pasta on top, and tried to claim it was an Italian dish. 

All that I ask, pubs, is that when you say "pie", and I order pie, I get pie. Not meat and gravy with a crispy cancer growing from it.

|   Puff-Pastry Pie; [n]: One's idea of hell. Something that causes chaos when placed in front of one expecting an actual pie. "How can we beat the terrorists, Adam?" "Serve them puff-pastry pies."   |

Thanks for reading!

Take care,

Adam 'ARK' Walton.

Selfies, Vanity and Cleavage.

Yes, it's been quite a while. 

I started a post on self-harm a few months ago, but 1000s of words later, I realised/believed I was rambling on too much with no real conclusion to aim for, so I put it on hold for a while. Therefore, I decided to write a post about something that seems to annoy me recently.

Selfies, (or self-shots,) for those who don't know, (but I'm sure most of you do,) are photos of one's self, usually just the face, but sometimes bodies are included, (preferably with clothes still on, if you're someone who looks like a 14 year-old mother of 3, or if you're someone I believe to have some self-respect).

For me, a picture with just the face on, or a picture where you're just posing with no actual story to the photo, should just be used/shared as a profile picture on a social networking site. Even then, there should be better photos of you to choose from; maybe when you went on holiday, or when you went to a gig. 

Photos are meant to capture an important event, a time that you want to remember, a time that you want to share with others. Standing in your mirror in your bathroom, I'm sure, isn't an important event, a time you want to or will remember, so why would you want to share this with others? It isn't a memory, it's a toilet break. These should be kept private. 

Sure, people do this (mainly girls; I'm not being sexist, just observant,) possibly to show off a new item of clothing, or a new hair colour, piercing, tattoo, whatever. But we don't need fifteen photos of this event, each with different lyrics from different songs as a caption that are totally unrelated to the fact your hair is now red. 

Now, I've covered the "selfies" that annoy me when there are hundreds of them posted, but the ones that really annoy me only take one for me to become annoyed.

The worst sort of photo is where (again, usually a girl) posts a photo of her face, covered in makeup, and there's no difference in that photo than the one she posted yesterday except perhaps the camera-angle. This is annoying as it is when it fills up your news feed, but what really gets on my nerves is, (and I think all guys hate this), when the caption is something to do with how their hair isn't done right on that photo, or an eyelash is slightly crooked, or they just aren't pretty at all. 

Diddums.

They clearly just want people to comment on this photo to say that in fact they are pretty, or their hair actually looks amazing on that photo, or that the crooked eyelash isn't really all that crooked. 

You could say it's a self-confidence issue, that this girl/these girls feel imperfect and wish to be told they look nice. However, when it's everyday, or when they have a boyfriend, or when everyone knows she's the most self-centred and vain person in all the land, it starts to get a little irritating. 

Why? 

1. When it's everyday, you're going to get bored of their face to the point where you comment saying "Yes, your eyelash is ridiculously crooked, and by the way, what hair colour were you going for? Poo?" (Said in a childish voice.)

2. When they have a boyfriend, they shouldn't need to put photos on everyday to be told she's good looking by everyone, to get confidence. If she does need to, she is extremely vain, and just wants to be told it by everyone because she already knows/thinks she is, or the boyfriend isn't good at being a boyfriend.

3. If you already think/know you're good looking, you don't need to remind us everyday with a new photo of the same face in the same room. Take a photo of yourself somewhere nice, make the photo actually interesting like a photo ought to be.

The final sort of "selfy" that I hate is where a girl takes the photo from above her face, just to fit her cleavage onto the photo. To me, there're only a few reasons why a girl must do this.

1. Because she thinks a photo including her breasts will help her finally attract that "ever-loving", "romantic" boyfriend she's always complaining she can't find. (And they wonder why all their exes used them for their body.) 

2. Because she wants everyone to see her boobs, because she wants to be a pornstar or a prostitute one day.

3. Because she thinks her boobs bring out the colour of her eyes.

Now, don't get me wrong. If a girl takes a nice photo that includes her in a pretty dress that happens to show some cleavage, great, that's lovely; I have nothing against these fleshy milk bringers! But if the girl has gone out of her way to get her cleavage in there, or she's lying down on her front to make them appear bigger, the above 3 reasons are all I can think that she must be thinking.

That's about all. 

To Conclude

I like photos that capture happiness, an event of some sort, or a photo that explains something/tells a story. I wouldn't mind a selfy from one person once a month, or maybe once a fortnight maximum, it entertains this person and gives this person some self-confidence. But girls, (and guys!) not every day please! Too much confidence in your body is bad, and if we wanted to see your face that often, we'd arrange to see you in person! 

Thanks for reading,

Take care,

Adam 'ARK' Walton

"So if you love me let me go, or run away before I know..." (8)

omg my neck is horrible here